I have two heartbeats right now

One would be of course my own beating heart and the other would be from my tiny little baby!!! My ultrasound was moved up from Friday to today since he wanted to see what was going on with the bleeding. I was so happy to see a little flickering heartbeat it was still to early to hear but there it was clearly visible and we were able to see the actual fetus this time too crazy how much changes in only three days! Sadly the subchorionic hematoma is still there its pretty damn scary looking it looks so big next to the little sac but they said it was measuring small im just so early that it looks huge in comparison. I can only hope my body heals and fixes this problem I have read a lot of stories and most have great outcomes of course there are bad ones out there but you can find bad stories for normal pregnancies too. I am just going to take it day by day and be thankful for everyday that we make it I am just so happy to see that little heart beating I couldnt believe it we want this little baby so much I hope and pray for the best outcome we just dont know I dont have another appointment for two whole weeks which is going to really suck im just going to take it easy and try to stay as positive as possible. Of course it would be like this for us ya know the whole three years of trying Two IUI's and Two fresh IVF cycles were not enough hardship to finally make it this far we have to have all this added stress but thats okay we made it this far which is farther then ever so for that im happy. Please keep growing and please body heal this so we can take this little baby home!!!!

First ultrasound

Let me tell you I was scared to death the entire time. It was so nerve racking not knowing if I had miscarried or if it was an ectopic pregnancy I was having pain on one side so I really was nervous that is what was happening. I spotted again not too much but finally I have some answers as to what is going on. I went to the doctors this past Friday and had an ultrasound done. I was surprised they had my screen on and just let me see everything right away. Well first thing I seen was a beautiful gestational sac right where is was supposed to be and inside it was a little yolk sac I couldn't believe it I just felt so much relief at once. Now I also got an explanation where the bleeding is coming from. We found a subchorionic hemorrhage. Its actually really common especially with IVF patients because our linings are extra think with all the hormones we are on. They said it looked like it was from implantation and it was not that big there seems to be two little tiny circles on the ultrasound you can see but they do look like they are fading I hope it all turns out okay and things just get better. It makes this whole thing so stressful but I have been staying calm and just going with whatever happens I am trusting my body to heal this. I cant wait for our next ultrasound this Friday we should be seeing a heartbeat I hope so!!!!! I am feeling really good still I have gotten pretty hungry though feels like I am always starving my metabolism is really fast as it was so I think im going to be in trouble lol. Its crazy to think tomorrow I will six weeks it just blows me away to think I have had a baby in me for one whole month already I am so grateful for this. Every single day we make it is just a miracle in itself I just truly hope and pray my body will fix the shc and things will progress smoothly. For now some pictures that make me happy.

Patience is a virtue

I wonder if this is really true. I for one would not know because I have absolutely no patience I do not mean to complain but how do you make it to the first ultrasound. Well I just could not do it no way was I going to wait for next friday to make sure things were still going okay. So you know what I did I made an appointment with my regular doctor who happens to be an OB too and since I had the little spotting episode they are getting me TODAY!!!!!!! whoo hoo now I know its probably too early to see much on an ultrasound but gosh anything at this point to let me know things are still going okay would be just fine with me so thats the plan for today and hopefully I will be updating soon with good news.

Waiting

It seems that is all we do is wait don't we. We wait to start a cycle then wait for injections then wait for follicles its just one waiting game after another and it doesn't end. I am so nervous waiting for my first ultrasound which is FOREVER AWAY. It really is only next Friday but today is Monday people so that is far away for me to just sit here and wait and think and hope. I am feeling really good still I just have this peaceful calm about me that I didn't think I would have I thought I would be losing my shit over every little thing but that is not the case which is a good thing. I am just going with this and trying to trust my body that it is doing its job. Today I am Five weeks pregnant such a crazy thing to say and think about especially since I have not actually seen the baby but most normal pregnant women would not even know they were pregnant yet. All the joys that come with doing IVF. I still am so happy to make it this far its amazing to think about what is going on inside me I can't help but be scared things are not okay but I try to stay positive its scary not knowing what to expect since I have never been pregnant before and we know nothing was wrong with me reproductively speaking we were dealing with my poor husband and his not wanting to cooperate sperm counts. I also feel lucky that is the hand we were dealt I know it could be so much worse I read and see what other people are dealing with while TTC and its rough there is much worse we could have been dealt with but it still doesn't make any of this any easier on us. I keep going to my closet and pulling out that very first baby outfit we ever bought after doing the embryo transfer we never thought about even going into the baby isle the first time and I just stare at and and hope and pray that in November I will have a tiny little being to dress in it. According to the week by week I know crazy for even looking it up but I am trying to stay positive and believe that this is really happening finally its a total mind warp it really is. As of today, your baby's the size of an appleseed! Your embryo is now measurable -- though at week five, it's a wee .13 inches -- and she's gearing up for much more growth. In fact, in the next week, she'll almost double in size. Grow baby grow! Also from here The embryo doesn't look like much more than a tadpole right now, but at five weeks, she's already starting to form major organs (heart, stomach, liver, kidney) and systems (digestive, circulatory, nervous). That information is per http://pregnant.thebump.com/pregnancy-week-by-week/5-weeks-pregnant.aspx I never thought I would see the day I would be googling the things I have been but at least for now Today I am still pregnant and I am so very thankful.

This is happening

Gosh I was so nervous waiting for that call to come in. I went in today and took my second beta test to see if it was rising I was hoping for at least a 300 or higher to make sure it was going up as it should. I was scared to death when my phone started to ring and it was the doctor office I almost don't want to answer lol Well good news is they rose to 396!!! I hope that is good gosh this is all so scary I am more scared now then I was doing IVF it just gets worse let me tell you the fear of losing this and having to start all over is just a terrible thought I am going to remain positive though and be grateful I am still pregnant and this is the furthest we have come. The progesterone is at 36 they want me to keep on the shots which my poor ass is not too happy about but at least this time around I am doing it for a good reason and not just in case so that definitely helps the pain some. I still don't know how to feel or what to think I believe I am in denial ha ha I will believe it when we are taking this baby home. Its so surreal to say I am pregnant its just crazy to me. My first ultrasound is April fourth maybe it will feel more real than all i'm doing is hoping and praying for the best. I started to spot again just really light pink it scares me but they said my numbers look great and to just keep an eye on it so thats what im going to do no freaking out for me I just wish it would go away for good!!!!

Glad its not just me

So here we are one day before our next beta test I am so nervous for tomorrow and excited I just dont know how to feel really we have never come this far. I have been going crazy with the pregnancy tests but who can blame me I know a lot of us do it and I totally get why now its just amazing to see two lines come up after years and years of completely white one liners. I really dont feel much symptoms yet besides I think my boobs hurt worse then they have before and also I wake up sooo thirsty every morning like I have not had a drink of water in days its really weird. My dreams have been insane though I almost feel like I dont sleep anymore because my mind is so awake in my dreams and let me tell you they are really crazy ones. I stopped the bleeding two days ago it just stopped out of nowhere which made me happy but still kind of scared me I waited three days to take another FRER test just to see if the lines had started to fade because I feel like it would have happened pretty fast since my first beta was only 77. This mornings test was by far the darkest test I have gotten so far so I hope that means it is still rising I know its not a very good indicator but it did make me feel better I really tried hard to not think I was having a miscarriage but who wants to bleed the first time they find out they are finally pregnant. The first time I quit my birth control I was only nineteen years old that was almost five years ago and finally we made it to this point. We will be married for four years this year and together for seven its been one hell of a ride I am lucky to have the amazing husband I do. Well for now I will leave you with my obsession as of late.

What do you think are they progressing well it looks good enough for me and yes I am glad its not just me!!! :)

up down and up again

This roller coaster ride never ends I swear it has only gotten worse since my first positive. I am so so happy to finally be pregnant but it sure does not come without worries. I am so scared now because I started spotting light pink then it turned to this dark brown stuff, and now im bleeding red just like a period I have no cramping or anything like that just bleeding. I thought for sure I was having a miscarriage and i'm still definitely not out of the danger zone yet not even close I don't know that there is ever a point where your out of it its always there. So panicked I called my doctor office and they got me in right away to do a beta blood test which I was scheduled for one tomorrow anyways. Just got the call and I was so scared I thought for sure bleeding like this it had to be gone by now but all my tests have gotten darker so I was just so confused on what was happening. The levels came back at 77!!!! I know that is not really high but its not low either he said that was a great starting number and my progesterone was a little low even though I am on the suppositories came back at like a 15 so he gave me a booster shot of it then I have a little PIO leftover from last cycle i'm going to use until it runs out on top the the suppositories. Gosh I just dont know how to feel really im still scared about the bleeding I don't know why I am bleeding its just like a period no clots no cramping just blood im hoping it goes away soon. He has put me back on the dexamethasone just in case my body is attacking the embryo which he thought could be happening. I guess we will see what happens from here I don't go back until Friday!!! Ughhh so far away I just hope the bleeding stops so I can have a little piece of mind but at least I can keep being crazy and POAS just to see it get darker until then!!! I'm so thankful to make it this far I truly am either way this goes today I am still pregnant and that makes me feel lucky and happy. Its taken us Two failed IUI cycles, One failed IVF cycle, well over $20,000, countless needles and medication to get to this point and finally I have a positive even if the outcome ends up not being what we wanted which I hope and pray is not the case I am still so grateful to make it this far I know how much of a gamble this stuff is I know how hard it is but one day we will all make it we will all eventually become mothers or fathers we just have to keep our heads up and keep on fighting for it!!!! A reward does not get much better than a baby.

Feelings

So here we are three days after getting our very first positive on a pregnancy test. I still just don't know how to feel about it all I guess I don't know if its real or not still and so i'm just being cautious with my feelings. I started to spot this really gross dark brown/reddish color stuff it has me pretty freaked out but everything I have read said this is mostly leftover blood from implantation gosh I hope so I have never ever been pregnant before so I don't know what is going on I hope its all good though. I have been taking tests everyday glad its not just me lol but they have been getting darker so I hope that is a good thing. I go Tuesday to get my first beta done I just pray its going to be good news. I still don't feel many symptoms other then really sore boobs. I always thought when I got a positive I would be so happy and excited and while I am i'm more gaurded then anything i'm not even sure why I know most first time moms just go crazy after seeing that positive sign maybe I have read too many sad stories and blogs I am not naive about it at all and that kind of sucks because i'm scared mostly maybe this is normal maybe its because if something were to happen we cant just have sex and try again were back where we started and that is hard to think about. I have not had any cramping really just mostly spotting when I use the bathroom apparently its more common with IVF pregnancy's I just don't know for now i'm just going to take it easy and hope for the best. I am so grateful to have come this far further then we have ever made it before I do feel lucky to be seeing that positive test I really do.

Can it be?

Could it really seriously actually be... I took a test today just barley this morning 8dp3dt and for the first time in my whole life I got a positive!!!!!!!! OMG holy fucking shit i'm freaking out I didn't even cry like I thought I would but I am losing my shit. I know its so early and anything can happen but for the first time ever I am pregnant right now. I don't know what will come of this I hope to god a baby but we can do it one or hopefully more of those little embryos are trying they are still with me and that feels amazing I never in my life have seen a positive test. I kept getting these weird light shadows on internet cheapies and yesterday bought a first response and there it is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be it please stay with us!!!!! Here we go got a good better updated picture you can actually see this is good right its really there right im 11dpo is this good ahhhhhhh!!!!

I dont think you can see it very well on the pictures but its there hopefully tomorrow it gets darker either way today im going to enjoy being pregnant!!!

Put down the stick!

Seriously I said I would be good this time and be patient. Well who are we kidding I have zero patience and if this is the only time I can pee on a stick and be hopeful well then why not do it as soon as I possibly can right. So today which is 6dp3dt I tested this morning and of course it was negative at this point im really not worried yet its super early and a lot of people dont get a positive until 11 or 12 dpo so im okay and not freaking out yet! I don't feel much but I don't really think i'm supposed to be either my body would not even know it was pregnant yet if it was but my boobs kill from the progesterone and I have had a few cramps which really is probably just my poor ovaries shrinking back down after being drugged. I feel pretty good still i'm glad the shots and stuff are over just taking the pills now and the suppositories are not bad at all I was all worried they would be really gross but no I dont even leak really just stick it up there and lay down for a while and i'm good to go. I will probably keep testing everyday from now on just to torture myself but really this time i'm not that worried I mean of course I want this to work more than anything but what is sitting around crying all day going to do either way for it Nothing!! So im just going to be my happy self and go to work and hope for the best that is all I can do for now.

4dp3dt

Here we are we made it this far time sure is going as slow as can be, well except my four day weekend is already over that one went by pretty fast. I am so different this time around then the last IVF cycle. I was so worried and didn't move for like three days I was just freaking out the whole time. I dont know if its going to work this time either but I quit worrying about it because really there is nothing I can do about it if its going to work its going to work and that is that. So I bed rested for about 36 hours after the transfer and after then we went for a quiet hike up the canyon with the dogs it was a really nice day. I am still taking it easy but for the most part i'm just back to normal. We went to wendover with a group of friends Saturday night and that was pretty fun it at least made me not think and go crazy all day. Never seem to win any money though but oh well I usually just give a little to my husband and he will lose it instantly and then I hate to just give money to casinos so I only lost twenty dollars and then told my husband we should eat dinner instead of giving my half away. It was really fun though we had a good group of friends we went with so im glad we got to spend some money on something other than doctors and medication. I am just really trying not to think about the three embryos we put in or I will drive myself crazy. We did finally do something we have never done before we went to the baby section and bought the cutest little outfit ever I figure one day no matter if its now or later or how it happens we will have a baby to put in it but its just the cutest thing ever I will have to post a picture. Now its just hanging in our closet and I look at it from time to time and just imagine. I have been super good friends with google lately what is it with us and googling everything we can possibly think of for days past transfer and symptoms oh my the list goes on and on i'm glad its not just me lol. So far i'm not feeling anything different no cramps nothing I have just been taking my progesterone and estradiol everyday and my boobs hurt super super bad from it like I cant even touch them. If this doesn't work this time i'm just not going to know what to do or think how can you put three babies in a 23 year old and have not one of them work it just blows my mind if this fails twice. I have read numerous stories of ladies over 40 years old with bad eggs and they get twins triplets its just crazy to me that we are having this hard of a time. I am definitely not going to test until at least 11dpo or 8dp3td I just dont want to get all depressed again and hopefully if it does work by then I can see something ughhh please please please...

Babies on board

Today went great I was so scared we would get there and be told we had nothing left it happens all the time i'm so grateful to have made it this far twice. Gosh that valium gets me so messed up I cant even focus when I am in there lol its pretty interesting. We got to see the embryos and we had three that we ended up transferring. I guess they think I may have some auto immune issues also because for our age 23 and 25 we should be getting amazing results so I think it may be more then just male factor were dealing with. Totally sucks but hey at least we are learning as we go. We still ended up with some great embryos to transfer. We have an 8 cell grade A which is awesome then we did another already compacting 8-9 cell grade B and the other one I cant remember it was not as good though grade B I believe but i'm feeling really positive I am praying one of these babies sticks around if not more!! We have two embryos left they are going to let culture and give us a call on day five to see if they were able to freeze them I am not holding my breath they will make it but it sure would be amazing if they do. Its going to be a long two weeks I just cant wait for it to be over for now i'm stuck in bed not moving and letting my amazing husband cater to me which is pretty great we will see how bored I am by tomorrow though. Well happy days more updates later much love!!

Embryos

So after waiting all damn day I finally get the call I have been waiting for. This is by far the worst part of this whole process I am so impatient and just everything that is riding on this makes it so much worse. So finally after ten billion hours it seems the embryologist calls and tells us the news. Ahhhh its so scary and I dont know if they are all like this but this guy happens to be chinese or something of that nature and I cant barley understand a dang thing he is saying but I think I got the jist of it. Out of the ten eggs they got eight of them were mature. They went on to fertilize five of them one broke during injection and another fertilized abnormally i'm not exactly sure what he said happened to the other two i'm going to have to ask when we are over there. So we are left with four amazing looking embryos he said they all look extremely great and we are scheduled for a day three transfer at 10:30 am. Oh my gosh im freaking out I just hope to god or something out there that they make it please please let them make it I honestly don't want to lose any of them they are babies even though they are just still at the cell stage. It literally hurts my heart to think of the last three on our first ivf cycle that didn't make it ughh sad days. I'm just hoping with everything that by Thursday we will have all four and they are all still doing what they should be doing as far as i'm concerned I do not want another call from the doctors now no news really is good news in this business. I'm more than happy to end up with four embryos so many people have gone through this and end up with nothing or a canceled cycle I will take four embryos anyday. Now is the scary as shit part to wait until Thursday and get there and see what the verdict is then its on to more waiting and more waiting but if I can at least get those babies back in there I will be happy so here is to Thursday and the hope that will come with it!!

Egg retrieval!

I am still feeling a little off and not back to normal just yet but I don't actually feel too bad either. I always freak myself out so much before doing this I get all nervous but I guess that is normal. The best thing ever is getting that quick ultrasound right before the surgery to make sure all the eggs are still in there its the scariest part for me. They all showed up ready to go so we rushed back into the operating room and all I know is waking up next and hearing an amazing number. We got TEN eggs oh my gosh I was so happy to hear that we were really only expecting to get seven or eight but ten is just great! Just waiting for that call tomorrow to see how many we have to work with i'm really excited I feel really positive about it this time. I am feeling a little bit crampy I think I will try to take a nap and update tomorrow when I know more.

Trigger!

We finally made it to trigger night ahhh i'm so happy to not have to take any more shots after tonight. Things went good today at the doctors office we are still looking at getting seven to eight eggs I am happy with that. I have no idea how other people fit 20 plus eggs in there I feel so full and bloated and I don't have near that many how do you walk?! We are scheduled for egg retrieval bright and early Monday morning so that means trigger shot tonight at 10:15 pm. I cant wait for this part to be over with it really did seem to go by fast and with not too many side effects. I already took my last Menopur injections and the antagon all I have left for tonight is the trigger. I decided to go with progesterone suppositories this time around I don't know if its because i'm such a tiny person or what the deal is but the injections last time damaged my nerves and its a constant numb tingling feeling now in the spots where we did them its been two months and it still feels like that so I hope it will go away eventually but no more of those for me. I wish the weather was going to be nicer so we could get out on a hike before i'm bed ridden. I cant wait for Wednesday we are most likely going to do the three day transfer still please let this work this time!