Moving forward

So after that last post I could not stop worrying about everything getting ruined. I just really truly did not want to have to wait until May that just feels like so long away when I could be doing it in March. I ended up making a doctor appointment just to have an ultrasound and make sure I didn't have any cysts or anything that could be a potential issue. I was so nervous on the way there it was the one time my husband has not been able to come and well it just sucks to not have that support when your getting all that fun stuff done. Thank goodness there was nothing wrong and he ended up telling me to start the birth control that same day. I have never been so damn excited to take birth control ever before lol it was pretty ironic. So now here we are day three being on it and so far no side effects or anything it seriously has been like over five years since I have taken anything like that so we will see how I start to feel as time goes on glad its only for three weeks. I just cant wait to start this cycle I really feel so much better about this one going into it we just have so much more knowledge about how my body reacts its going to go good! I will leave you with some IVF humor :)

Where oh where are you?

So I think I am losing it. I really really need to start my cycle like right freaking now. My doctor wants me to go on BC for three weeks before we can start the IVF cycle. Well he happens to be going out of town for spring break in April. So that gives me February to take the Birth Control and March to do the IVF. See the problem here is im on day 37 thirty seven!!!!! Gosh i'm going to lose my mind if I don't just start today because its going to screw up everything and I will have to wait until May. I just don't want to wait that long I have been waiting what five years already that is long enough I would have to say. I have tried all the tricks to get it to start. Drinking parsley tea using a ridiculous amount of different natural oils I just don't know what the hell to do. Why does it have to do this to me my cycles were so regular before I did that first IVF and now look they are all messed up and just trying to ruin the plans. I'm so frustrated I just hope it happens if it waits until February i'm just shit out of luck. Well thats my sob story for the week Hope everyone elses is going much better! Any suggestions or magic tricks to get this to happen please let me know.

Extreme makeover

Not really but it sure felt like it ha ha! I had some random idea to completely make over our bedroom this weekend. It was a lot of hard work and cleaning but I think it turned out really good. Its something I have been wanting to do for a while now just one of those things that you have to make yourself just finally get it done. We went with a lighter gray/blue color on the back walls then we used a dark gray it looks really pretty. I think we ended up getting a lot done this weekend it was nice. We even managed time to get up the canyon and go to the pinewood forest. Im not excited to go to work tomorrow hopefully the week will go by fast. I am just waiting to start this cycle so I can start taking the birth control I cant wait to get this part over with and get the the part that makes stuff happen. :)

Traditional scares me

I always said I wouldn't do it but what exactly wouldn't we do for a baby. Today was the WTF appointment it went really good I just don't know what to think or do. Well I guess I do know what i'm going to do but i'm scared to have to do it. We have decided to do the full traditional IVF this time. It scares the shit out of me I just have read and heard all these stories about over stimulation and well you know there is a whole world of information out there for you good and bad. I'm happy were only shooting for 8-10 eggs I just don't want to mess my poor body up more then I have to. I hope everything will turn out okay we all just decided this was probably the the best option for us and for what we are dealing with. We have an amazing Doctor and he is giving us an awesome deal he actually gave us a 1500$ discount I don't think we would be able to do this without that help. I got about a dictionary worth of information and paperwork. I am excited to get that hope back but this whole process is so un knowing what kind of outcome is going to happen. I have decided to get all the clotting factor tests done just to be safe I would much rather pay more money and know this now then wait and find out a hard way after we get pregnant. I have such a good feeling about it this time I think we have a serious shot to make it work. We ended up changing some of the process and adding a few new medications to improve my lining and the eggs to stay on track with each other. How ironic is it that we take birth control to get a baby?!? That just seems so crazy to me but I do as i'm told. I am just waiting for this cycle to start so I can take the birth control for this month and then next month is go time. I'm so glad we are getting to do this again we have been lucky enough to save up money and thanks to taxes we should have just about enough without having to take any loans out I hope. I should be getting the blood tests done here pretty soon I just hope I don't have any of those to add on top of our problems but if so i'm thankful we are able to catch it and make the appropriate changes so we have no issues carrying the baby. I just cant wait for us to get there I know it will happen and when it does all this will be so worth it. I'm going to be real on this blog I don't want to offend anyone but this is just my life and my opinions I will get angry and sad and happy all those things this is my outlet.

Death and a Raise

Life is pretty interesting you just never know when your time is going to come. I can clearly remember so well that day almost six years ago now that I was woken up by pounding on the doors and windows. I was confused at first then I finally got up and peeked out my second story window to see what was making all the ruckus. I seen lots and lots of cops. I didn't know what was going on for a minute there I thought I was in trouble somehow. Oh how I wish that were the case back then. I opened up that door and I knew right away something had to be horribly wrong. My little sister only twelve years old then was still asleep thank goodness. I asked what was going on and all he would say is your mother home. So I let them in and my poor mom comes out and when she seen them there I think she already knew see this same scene happened to her when she was only twelve years old. They asked us to go sit down in the living room. I was only sixteen back then I was really thinking it couldn't be too bad maybe someone got hurt or something I was pretty naive. My mom had already started bawling her eyes out before they even said it. Your dad was in an accident this morning... WHAT!?! well clearly everything is going to be okay and he is just at the hospital. How my heart wishes that were true. Next came we tried everything we could to bring him back but he was dead upon arrival........... Ughhh death always brings this back I don't think I will ever ever forget that day no matter how much time has passed. My poor husband just lost his uncle and his little brother only fifteen just lots his best friend to suicide. It just triggers all those memories I wish there was a better way for this life to turn out. I know we are all going to die I just wish there was an age limit its not fair for anyone to lose someone so young. So today I will go to a little girls viewing gone much too soon. Tomorrow will be another funeral and viewing for a great man who didn't deserve to die by someone else's mistake. Life really is a bitch isn't it but in the end I hope we all get to win. On a better happier note my amazing husband being the hard good worker he is found a new job that offered him more money. He put in his two weeks and his old boss knows what kind of man he is didn't want to lose him so he offered him a lot more money to stay. Its amazing to get blessed like this im so grateful it seems like someone is watching out for us now we will be able to afford IVF and just live so much more easy. Thank you whoever is out there helping us I like to think its you Dad so thank you I hope I have made you proud. I know you would be proud of the man I married even if you didn't get to meet him. He takes care of me and our family without any hesitation. How I love him so.

If I had a dollar

But seriously if I had one for every person that told me "well I will carry your baby for you" well I would be one rich bitch. Maybe they mean well but it drives me absolutely crazy. One thing is that would not even solve the problem anyways I should be able to carry my own baby just fine thank you. Now getting them in there is the real issue here so if I could get a dollar for every time someone said that now that would actually help. If Only... I have been reading a lot of blogs lately. Everyone is so talented and such good writers I really need to work on it. I always thought I would make a good writer then I sat down and really tried to write and I just don't think im so good at it. Its really a lot harder then you would think. I finally called the doctors and made the WTF appointment. Its set for next Tuesday im half excited and half not. I am pretty happy we are saving up money faster then I thought we could. Now im just waiting on w-4's so we can get the taxes rolling. Were lucky that we can at least try again after just doing IVF in December. I do hope they have some kind of explanation for us and not just some crap that sometimes this happens. If we go through all that again and it turns out the same we are going to be shit out of luck for awhile which is scary. We are seriously considering if it doesnt happen this time we will just use a donor for now then save up and do a full blown traditional IVF. We are only going the minimal stim route for now. So for the mean time I bought me some new work clothes and that makes me happy.

This man makes me happy

And being way up here makes me happy.

Wonderful

Although its not my body we are dealing with and although I don't follow a religion that believes in a god in that sense and although it may offend some people this is the truth and you would never understand it unless you have been there I really am grateful for this new view I have been given when we finally have our baby things will be so so different. I cant wait.

Utah

You probably guessed it this is where we live. It really is true when people say Utah is its own little world compared to the rest of the states. The only good thing about this place really is its Beautiful. Feeling like your getting eaten up by these huge giant mountains is amazing. Everywhere you look are huge huge mountains. We love to go up the canyon all the time even in the snow its still so pretty. I am trying to get better with my new camera I need to take a few classes on how to shoot and edit things like that but I think im doing an okay job... Its always nice and relaxing to get close to nature, I would live up in those mountains if I could. I really can not wait for spring to get here though. There really is absolutely nothing to do here in the winter. Well of course unless you can afford to ski or snowboard but we like to spend thousands of our dollars on IVF and you know medicine and all that good stuff. It was funny I told Jake my husband that we will have spent so much money on our baby long before they are even conceived which is kinda sweet we can tell that baby when they grow up how much we wanted them and what lengths we had to go to to get them. They should feel extremely special at least I hope they do. We are saving up and hopefully by March we can do another round of IVF keeping my fingers crossed.

To a Happy New Year!

So for the past four maybe five years we have done the same thing every year on New years. That would be going to our long time friends house. Now I love them dearly but this year I just really wanted to do something different and new. I thought it would be fun to go up to Park city and go to the new Park city live club and bar just something new and fun and DIFFERENT. Of course did that happen ha ha No it sure did not but it was a great idea at least I thought so. Apparently no one wants to do anything fun on New years anymore so we did the same thing we have done every other year and went to our friends house. It was okay it was nice seeing everyone but you know the same old thing just gets old so I am going to plan next New year and do something really fun and different. Going through IVF and all that through the holidays was easy and hard. It was good to be distracted by everything but after we found out it didnt work it was really sad through Christmas and everything. I just truly thought it would work and we could finally be pregnant and it would have just been so exciting through the holidays. What can ya do really though, I try hard to not get bitter and for the most part im not. Its not really hard for me to see pregnant women or play with kids I am happy for them just because we have a hard time doesn't mean we have to get bitter and start seeing people differently. I just cant wait to try again funny thing is about two weeks ago someone backed into my car with a truck. They did some pretty good damage but I could care less about what my rim looks like so that check im getting is going where? You guessed it straight to the make a baby fund!! Yay first time ever I will be happy about getting hit by a truck thankfully no one was hurt or anything. I have so many hopes and dreams for this new year I truly hope 2014 is our year and is good to us we will see whats in store.