Double digits baby

Can you believe it because I hardly cant!!! I am so so happy to be ten weeks pregnant today I am so thankful this is really happening. We made it to the double digits and while we still have a long ways to go its just a miracle to be this far along we have made it past some crucial stages already I am so proud of that little baby for fighting and growing. I have finally settled into this pregnancy and I feel much more positive we are going to have the outcome we have been dreaming about. I am amazed at how fast and much these little miracles grow and develop it blows my mind to learn about all the crazy stuff going on in there. I thought I was going to be the lucky ones and not actually get sick but ten weeks came around and showed me wrong ha ha. I throw up now at least once a day and I could not be happier about it. Things must be really going on in there for my body to be affected like this and its just amazing. My boobs have continued to grow though I dont need a new bra quite yet. I cant tell if I just lost my stomach muscles or If I am actually getting a tiny little belly I do not know but I am okay with it!! I got my doppler in the mail and its awesome I love it listened to the babies heartbeat today with my husband and it was just amazing I will never get over that sweet sound I am only going to use it maybe once a week if not less I still feel bad bothering the little flicker I feel like it could be annoying lol but who knows. Update on what the little ones is doing right now. Though he's barely the size of a kumquat — a little over an inch or so long, crown to bottom — and weighs less than a quarter of an ounce, your baby has now completed the most critical portion of his development. This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in his body rapidly grow and mature. He's swallowing fluid and kicking up a storm. Vital organs — including his kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver (now making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac) — are in place and starting to function, though they'll continue to develop throughout your pregnancy. If you could take a peek inside your womb, you'd spot minute details, like tiny nails forming on fingers and toes (no more webbing) and peach-fuzz hair beginning to grow on tender skin. In other developments: Your baby's limbs can bend now. His hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart, and his feet may be long enough to meet in front of his body. The outline of his spine is clearly visible through translucent skin, and spinal nerves are beginning to stretch out from his spinal cord. Your baby's forehead temporarily bulges with his developing brain and sits very high on his head, which measures half the length of his body. From crown to rump, he's about 1 1/4 inches long. In the coming weeks, your baby will again double in size — to nearly 3 inches. Per Babycenter.com-- Holy shit talk about crazy little flicker is kicking and swallowing!!! Blows my mind I am so so happy I cant even describe it. You read that the baby is a fetus now its has done such a good job growing it graduated keep it up baby keep it up!!!!!

Things I did

I figured I would write a post about all the things I did differently for this successful IVF cycle. I actually changed a lot the second time around and not all of it was healthier either. We went into that first round of IVF not knowing at all what to expect and with so much hope we really thought that would be it all that money and time and effort had to work. So when I started taking pregnancy tests close to the beta I was just so so sad that we went through all of that and I just knew it didn't work. We transferred two embryos they were both graded okay and nothing came of it. I did everything by the books bed rested for three days no alcohol no hanky panky it was rough but I tried so hard to give it the best shot ever and still nothing. That was in December I don't recommend doing a cycle so close to the holidays I had imagined being pregnant for Christmas and telling all our family it was really hard on us. So we took a month off to heal and save up money its pretty hard to come up with money like that when your only 23 years old and have no family that can help you out it was all on us. Come February we were ready to give it another shot we saved up as much as we could and we only had to take out a small loan for the rest unlike the first time we took out 11 thousand dollars on our home equity but still I dont regret that. This time around I started going to acupuncture once a week its was pretty expensive and my insurance does not cover anything for any of this everything we paid came out of our pocket we had zero help. I honestly believe one of the things that truly helped make this cycle different was doing the acupuncture. I never felt so relaxed and positive in my life. I felt like I had this amazing energy every time I left an appointment it was so great. I started that about a month before we did the egg retrieval. My husband has been taking fertilaid for a few months since the first round of IVF I don't really know if it helped make a difference or not but we figured dealing with male factor it couldn't hurt. So come transfer day we had six embryo's left on day three two were grade A one was 8 cell and the other was 10 cell and already compacting which they said could either mean it was really strong or that it was defective and thats why it was going so fast. The others were not doing so great they were slow and were only at 4 cells grade B. So when they said we could transfer three I was so worried why would they let a 23 year old transfer three embryos it seemed risky and I thought they must not think its going to work I was kind of sad but I trusted them so I went with what they suggested. We chose the 8 cell the 10 cell and the best 4 cell now I wish I could know which one of those little fighters is my little flicker but I am so grateful I trusted them who knows if I would have only chosen two maybe it was the slow 4 cell we will never know but i'm thankful for the decision we made that day because I am pregnant. So after getting home I did bed rest but only for 24 hours the next day we went to wendover and had a last hoorah! I didn't really take it easy we walked all over the place and I even had a few drinks I just tried my best to not constantly think and worry about what was going on it there. I did take some different medications this round the first time the only thing I was on was PIO. This time he had me take dexamethasone, baby aspirin, estrace and the PIO. I dont know if that made the difference but something along those lines made this time around work its really such a gamble I don't think it matters if the embryo is perfect or if they tell you its in bad shape you hear so many stories I really think none of the grades matter. When they called and said we had none make it to freeze again I was really sad about that I didn't want to have to go through it all again and we didn't have money to do so anyways we wouldn't have been able to try again for a long time so that was a scary thought. I think if its going to stick around and work thats just what is going to happen I don't know though its all just so crazy and scientific. The biggest thing for me this time around was I didn't worry I didn't stress about everything I did was going to make it not work I just went on as normal as I could and when I started testing I didn't get all stressed out about the two days of negatives I just went with it I knew nothing I could do would change the outcome so I didn't get sad but when I got that first squinter I wont lie I got this feeling of could it be did we actually do it this time it was so surreal it still is. I am just so happy and I hope everyone makes it we all deserve this so much it just makes us stronger going through this and we are going to love those babies something fierce with an outlook we wouldn't have otherwise.

My little Flicker

Today was an amazing day I could not even believe it it is still hard to believe!!! We graduated from our clinic today which was super amazing I was sad though they have been so good to us and what an amazing job to be able to help people like that how awesome! I was so excited for our ultrasound today of course as it got closer the nerves started going crazy but thank goodness everything turned out great!! We got to see our baby that actually looks like a baby already amazing at only nine weeks its already got arms and legs that move!!! We seen our little flicker dancing away waving its little arms oh my gosh I cant even describe it to anyone after all this effort and fight to see that little baby moving around like that is totally crazy! I am feeling much better about this pregnancy and started to think how fun it will be to have a one month old for Christmas time I cant even wrap my head around it but that is what is happening. I am so so sooooo thankful to be here today I never thought we would make it I hoped and prayed but to be here is just something else and i'm so extremely thankful everyday for this pregnancy. Today I am nine weeks pregnant exactly time seems to be flying by this baby will be here before we even know it I can not wait to start showing and feeling movement. A little update on whats going on in there right now. Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain. Per babycenter.com I just cant get over it it still feels so un real that this possibly cant be happening for us but it is and I just cant wait for the future life is going to get so much better please hurry up!!!!!

You are so very loved my little flicker please keep dancing away!!!!! <3

Spring

I am so very excited that it is finally here it was a long winter. Its so fun to watch everything come back to life and see all the animals have babies. We try to go up the canyon at least once a week we usually make it up their if not twice a week. It has finally all come to life its green everywhere and flowers are growing all over the place its so pretty! We had a great time going to a hike then the next day we went for a ride on our dirt bikes. Now I cant really go riding like I did before on the bumpy dirt roads but the canyon is still not opened all the way so we drive up as far as we can and unload the bikes then we go passed the closed gate and just cruise on the regular canyon road its smooth and such a relaxing nice ride. Dont worry asked my doctor its totally safe as long as I am not going on the bumpy trails. I can not wait for our ultrasound on Monday I actually dared to make a baby board on pinterest it is hidden of course because I dont need everyone saying OMG your pregnant but it was fun and I got some really cute ideas for a nursery one day how brave of me!!! I worked out for the first time yesterday and man was I a slacker I am feeling it today it feels great to not be walking on egg shells anymore. I am going to post a picture of me from today 8w3d pregnant cant see much besides some bloat but I figured I would get started.

8 week update

Yesterday could not have went any better. I feel like I really need to start letting go of some of this fear and start enjoying the fact that today I am pregnant. It is really odd to sit in a room full of very pregnant women I felt pretty weird luckily my husband came with me so that helped a lot no way was I going to go into that ultrasound by myself. The anticipation of waiting to see that little flicker is just too much for me I was scared to even look the doctor was great though and even more crazy I didn't have to get probed!!! They did a regular abdominal one I was shocked and very happy to not have to deal with the transvaginal one anymore. He was very sweet and right away he said there is the heartbeat and he measured everything and said things looked great and to not be stressed. I wish we could have heard it but their machine is nothing like my fertility doctors it was a pretty old one. I still can't believe there is a tiny little baby growing in me we wanted this for so so long and now that its happening its so hard to wrap my head around. Its so hard for me to believe we are going to have a baby in November at least I pray to whatever is out there everyday that we get to make it that far. It feels like having a golden ticket to the wonka factory but someone could still the ticket away at anytime that is honestly how it feels. I am so grateful to make it this far we have a long ways to go but already we have overcame so many obstacles that were in the way. I have started to take belly pics but I don't think I will post any until I start to show something for now its just a little bloat but I think here in a month I should have some pictures that will start to show a difference. Whats going on with baby this week. Ew, what stinks? Your hormones are doing some pretty freaky things at week eight, likely heightening your sense of smell and making your stomach do flip-flops. And don’t get us started on those wacky pregnancy dreams. What’s interesting is that while one of your senses is in overdrive, one of baby’s -- her sense of taste -- is getting its start, too. Can you believe at 8 weeks she’s starting to grow taste buds? If you're feeling nauseated, extra hungry or extra tired right now, remember that it’s all because baby’s growth is in overdrive -- and because your body’s still adjusting to all those hormonal changes -- it will be worth it. your baby's the size of a raspberry! Now she weighs in (yay!) at about .04 ounces and measures about .63 inches. This week, she's growing about a millimeter each day. You can't feel it yet, but she's moving those arms and legs like crazy! Her fingers and toes are now only slightly webbed, and her tail (yes, she had one) is gone. Fun fact: your baby's taste buds are now forming. Per babycenter.com My gosh I just cant get over it that this is us finally its amazing I feel so blessed to be here right now. I have my next ultrasound on Monday the last one with my RE and then we graduate and just like that become normal pregnant people just insane!! I am excited to get off all the medication I don't really feel comfortable taking anything while i'm pregnant so it will be nice to be able to stop all the medications here soon. I dont even go back to the OB for a whole month ahhh I am going to be losing it for three weeks but when I do go back I will already be 12 weeks pregnant Thank you thank you whoever is looking out for us I love this tiny little flicker inside of me so much already.

Ultrasound

My 8 week ultrasound is today I am SCARED NERVOUS EXCITED HAPPY SCARED SCARED AND MORE SCARED praying for good news will update later today send good vibes this way please!!!!

7w1d

Oh my goodness did we really make it this far!?!? I know its not that far really but for me its the furthest we have ever made it I just wish I knew for sure that the little baby was still growing as it should since I have not had an ultrasound since last Monday how do I know this? Sounds terrible but its true I just don't know but my boobs are bigger and still hurt like hell so I will take that as a positive sign. Is it crazy that I try to not eat sometimes in the morning to see if I get sick how sad huh but I cant help it I just want reassurance I just don't know what to do with myself all I can do is believe and hope that come Monday we will see a little gummy bear in there moving around with a great heartbeat. I keep meaning to take a picture I will do that tonight I have zero pictures since getting pregnant and I want some so I need to get on it. I still think I can tell I am showing something bloat or baby I just still don't know but I feel like my right side is poking out more and more my tattoos make it easier to see I cant wait to get further along in this I don't know if I ever will feel safe until I have a baby in my arms. So on the survivors guilt I truly don't feel like a survivor in any way shape or form. I feel super scared and while I am so grateful to make it this far I just cant stop being so damn scared. I don't feel guilty at all that this worked for us we went through hell to get here it just hurts my heart when I read others that didn't make it yet and its just so hard I know this but I truly hope one day we all get what we have been fighting so hard for. I am honestly wishing my days away like never before I just want to fast forward and skip all this uncertainty. For now another update its crazy what has been going on in there its absolutely amazing how a baby grows I never thought I would be googling the things I have been its been surreal and amazing. Now about one half of an inch / 1.25 centimetres long, the size of a chick pea. The embryo has distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. It's a jumping bean, moving in fits and starts. The liver is churning out large amounts of red blood cells until the bone marrow forms and takes over this role. The eighth week marks the beginning of a very busy developmental stage. Between now and 20 weeks, your baby will be growing rapidly, and body parts that formed in the first few weeks of life (such as the heart and brain) will become more specialized and complicated. Right now, the teeth and palate are forming, while the ears continue to develop. The fetus' skin is paper thin, and veins are clearly visible. Per babycenter.com Goodness I still cant believe this is real and its me typing this stuff I have read hundreds of blogs and its just so insane to think this story is mine I am praying to whoever is out there and listening to keep this pregnancy safe and let us take our miracle home!!!!!!

6 weeks 3 days

When will this start to feel real to me? I just still am in disbelief that this is happening. My last ultrasound was on Monday and I already feel like I need reassurance again I don't know if this is normal or not. I wish I could just enjoy being pregnant for my very first time but the doubt is getting in the way. I was so happy to see that little tiny beating heart it was amazing I never ever thought we would actually make it this far. After our first round of IVF failed I really just didn't know if we ever would make it to this point I had truly lost a lot of hope after that first round so imagine my surprise when we made it this far after the second. I just don't know what to do with myself I am extremely happy and grateful to be here right now I just wish I could let go of the fear and start believing. I have not had any spotting for over a week now so that does help I just hope that damn hemorrhage is going away I think that is what is sucking all my happiness away and causing me to be so scared. I have read so many positive stories it does really seem like these things turn out for the better more often then not but I still cant help being scared shitless I am going to lose this tiny little miracle. We have already overcome so many obstacles with this pregnancy. Just getting pregnant after a round of IVF is a miracle in itself this little baby has already beat so many odds I am so proud of this tiny little being for coming this far. My next ultrasound feels like light years away April 14 at 3:30 I think im going to have a panic attack that day not knowing if that sweet little baby will still be there with a beating little heart. I will be 8 weeks on that day its unbelievable to me that i'm already half way through the first trimester please please let this be it I want this little baby so much I am doing everything I possibly can to help keep this miracle. I think I finally have started to get some morning sickness I have felt very nauseous every now and then throughout the day it seems to come and go. My biggest symptom by far is how sore my boobs are I never thought they could hurt so damn bad just by barley touching them my husband doesn't seem to be able to grasp that concept very well. I dont know if it is the baby or if it is just bloating but I am a very tiny girl to begin with I weigh 102 pounds most days so my stomach is very flat but I have noticed my lower abdomen is poking out funny on my right side its obvious but i'm not sure if that is from the pregnancy or not its pretty funny looking though I don't know if I dare take a picture yet but I do want to document this pregnancy no matter what happens in the future. A little info on what's going on in there today. This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil. Per Babycenter.com I still cant believe we are here today I am so so grateful heres to hopefully many more months and updates to come about a tiny little miracle due November 24, 2014!!