Really a One month old?!

Seriously someone slap me I cant even believe it. This past month flew by its just crazy how fast the days go when they all blur into each other. I am doing pretty good postpartum still bleeding a little bit but its almost finally done. I did end up tearing a little bit so that is still healing but I am feeling much more back to normal as the days go on. Breastfeeding is going really well I feel lucky I got such a good little latcher he knew what to do right from the beginning I did end up using a shield for the first two weeks but now we are doing great without it. The boob is by far his favorite thing ever. I cant get over that I have a one month old son it still feels very surreal. He is getting a little better with sleeping its still kind of all over the place I don't think we will try to establish a routine until he is at least two months old maybe three I just dont want to push him too soon. I ended up taking him back to the doctors he has been getting very upset in the evenings and we just didnt know if he was getting sick or what but we lucked out he is one of those colic babies ha ha figures after spending 20 grand just to get him and then another 12 grand to have him and then four days in the nicu colic is just the icing on top but we are so grateful for him we don't care either way but let me tell you its a challenge to listen to your baby scream for hours and nothing you do helps him it breaks my heart and I cry right a long with him. He has good days too though actually more good then bad so its all okay and only temporary. At the doctors my little chubster weighed 9.7 crazy how fast he is growing and that was almost a week okay. He is slowly outgrowing his newborn clothes but still is too small for a lot of the 0-3 months so were just wearing what works right now. He is starting to be more aware of his surroundings and love to stare at pictures on the wall and gets overstimulated if he catches the tv we try to turn him away from it and he will strain his little head so hard and get mad its adorable. He loves bath time its got to be right up there with the boob for him. I am just so happy and in love with my little boy and cant wait for his first Christmas here its just amazing to finally be in this place I am so thankful for him.

A miracle was born

Lets see how far I can get on this before little man wakes up. Its hard to even remember what day it is so I am glad I am getting time to finally write the birth story out before I forget completely. I had my 40 week appointment Monday November 24 which was my due date. I was all for continuing the pregnancy and hoping he would decide to come on his own. I went in and things were good his heart rate was good measured on track and things looked fine. I had asked the midwife if we could start doing non stress tests and have an ultrasound just to make sure he looked happy enough to keep going a couple more weeks. She thought it was a good idea and said they would have sent me friday anyways to be checked on but I am very very glad I asked to go that monday. I got to the hospital and of course he passed the nst very fast he was always an active boy and heart rate was always very good only took about 20 minutes. Then came the ultrasound it had been a long time since I seen him on one and he took up all the space but I could tell when she was checking the fluid that something didnt look right he looked very cramped in there and it seemed she had a hard time measuring any fluid at all. Sure enough I took the card with the results back to the nurse and she just said uh oh. I am so glad I did this as it could have ended up fatal his chance of cord compression was very high my poor baby had less then a 3 of fluid left he was pretty much out for who knows how long. I am so thankful I can look over and see him sleeping in his swing. After that it all got pretty serious I was to be induced immediately and they talked a lot about a c-section if he looked at all like he was compressing the cord during contractions that was going to happen fast. At this point I didnt care about my birth plan or all the efforts I put into having a natural birth the hypnobabies went right out the window all I wanted was for my baby boy to get here alive and healthy. I was only dilated to a two and about 80% thinned I really hoped I didnt have to have the c section but again I didnt care if that was the case. They started me on the cirvidil they gave me one dose and that really kicked me into labor I started having tons of contractions and I was happy it looked like I was going to be able to stay away from the pitocin. I made it 12 hours without the epidural but the contractions were right on top of eachother and they were getting worried because my poor little boy was not getting good enough breaks in between them this and no fluid his cord was getting smashed each time and he was starting to get tired my little fighter boy. The first decel in his heart rate happened and I had never been so scared in my whole life I swear I could hear that heartbeat sound for days after I had him. He was always quick to bring it back up but at this point I got the epidural I was so scared I would have to have the c section and without an epidural they would have just knocked me out all the way and my husband would not have been able to go. So I got the epidural and was very upset and sad the whole time I just felt like this all was going so fast and it was so so scary. Finally around 1130 am the next day on the 25th I was finally at a ten. My poor boy had a few more decels but they said as long as he looks like he is bouncing back fine and stays like that we were able to avoid the c section. They let me stay complete for about an hour to help the contractions push him down further. I started to push at about noon. I could not believe I was finally going to meet this little boy who we fought so hard for it was all so surreal. This part was probably the scariest for me each contraction I would push so hard then after we would wait to hear the heartbeat come back on and I got so sick I was throwing up I was just so worried his cord was going to get smashed I pushed with everything I had I didnt care how bad I tore I just wanted him out. Finally at 1:49 pm my little boy was born and it was amazing and scary and so many emotions I dont think I could ever get out in words. I held him and he seemed like he was having trouble crying he had a lot of stuff in his lungs so he went to the respiratory guy to get some of it out. Finally then handed me my sweet boy and I just couldnt believe we did it he was here and alive and all ours. We had about five minutes of pure joy before everything temporarily came crashing down which is for the second time that day that was the scariest of my life. My little boy started going a dusky color and the nurse wanted him to go to the nursery to check his oxygen so off him and my husband went. I was stuck getting put all back together and just waiting patiently for them to come back. Well minutes turned into hours and finally I was able to try to get up and go pee so they could wheel me down I had no idea what was going on I was expecting them to be right back. Finally I was able to go see him and it was the hardest thing in the world he was all hooked up to monitors and they already had an IV in his poor little arm. I couldnt stand it it was by far the worst moment of my life my poor little guy had too much fluid in his lungs he couldnt breath through it all. Of course this could have ended up much worse my heart truly goes out to those mothers who have to watch thier babies fight for months in the nicu I cant imagine that three days was enough for me to lose my mind. They ran all kind of tests on him just to make sure there was nothing else going on and they ended up putting him on the cpap for just a few hours to try and get that fluid cleared up they called it transient I guess it happens quite often and I thank god nothing was seriously wrong with him he was healthy just needed a little help transitioning to breathing. Thankfully after three days we got to take our little miracle home I was so scared for him not to be on the monitors I was afraid he would stop breathing for some reason that first week home was hell I was so glad to have him but I cried constantly and didnt sleep at all. I am happy to say it has gotten much much better and he is now three weeks old and still not much sleep but now its because he is a hungry boy and I am all for waking up all night long to feed him and love on him. My birth was not what I expected at all but in the end im just glad I got to take my baby home and I am doing good also I did tare a little bit so that has been the most painful but im feeling better and better each day I am already back down to my pre baby weight and looking much more normal. I love this little boy something fierce and I hope everyone who is still trying does not give up its harder then anything but this little miracle is worth it all.

Two weeks old

Oh my love how can you already be two weeks old yesterday!! Its hard to find the time to write when your always on the boob but that is okay. Where to start I have so much to say but no time to say it. These past two weeks have flew by but at times it goes so slow. I have never been so exhausted or more in love in my whole life. No one could ever prepare you for a newborn its the hardest thing I have ever done but also the most rewarding even if it is just drunken milk smiles at all hours of the night. You dont like to sleep at night and it makes for a very sleep deprived mommy but we are getting the hang of it. When we first got home I was so overwhelmed and scared I didnt sleep for a week straight so scared he would stop breathing in the night. Its gotten much much better I get more and more comfortable with him and it seems we are getting to know eachother more everyday. I love the sweet baby noises you make when you sleep or for the few hours that you are awake and not mad you just stare bright eyed. We think your going to keep those beautiful blue eyes you get those from your daddy you look so much like him its the sweetest thing. Here soon I will get the birth post up just as soon as I get another second to myself. We took you to your check up today and you my boy are growing so well all that boob is really doing something for you you already weight 8.9 lbs and are up to 21 inches thats amazing and makes your mom feel good about all those hours spent feeding you constantly. We managed to get your newborn pictures done not to the delight of yourself though you hated it and screamed the whole time but we got a few ones captured I am happy to at least have a few for the books. I cant wait to see you grow its already going so fast I need to slow down and enjoy these moments even if I cant keep my eyes open. I love you more then you could ever know and im so excited for our future together as a family your waking up now sweet boy got to go.

My whole world

I lay here sometimes in shock I still dont see how this is really my life now. Trying so hard for years to get here and then to wake up to the most adorable noises is so surreal. I look down at him and I cant believe we did it and he is here and our forever. I am so happy that we had to struggle it was hard but the second I laid my eyes on this sweet boy it was all worth it I would do it a hundred times to get him. I just think if we didnt get that loan or find those last minute meds that this exact boy would not be here with us its some kind of fate for sure. I will get around to a birth story it was not all what I wanted and was filled with the scariest time of my life after he was born we didnt get to go home with him for three days he was in the nursery on monitors. Thank god we are home now and he is healthy and the best thing that has ever happened to us. Breastfeeding is hard I dont think I have slept since Tuesday but I could care less everytime he lays there with me looking around making the cutest faces ever who needs sleep this is the life and im so thankful I finally get to have my family. Aiden Noah 7.6 lbs 19 inches born November 25 meet my sweet boy.

Waiting

Oh man I feel like I will go crazy if I dont get to meet this little boy soon!! Today marks 39 weeks 3 days and im getting so anxious. Its not that I am done being pregnant or miserable at all I know I will miss feeling him move all the time but I just want to hold him and see who he looks like. I dont know when he will decide to get here I really just wish it would happen right now I am terrified of going over and getting induced so I have been trying a few natural methods but of course nothing is going to work if he is not ready. This feeling of being this close to something so huge is just hard to explain to know at any moment I could meet my son is almost too much to handle. I had my membranes stripped on Monday and it caused me to lose a lot of mucus plug and was pretty crampy for a couple days but that was all. I just cant wait to hold him and feel his weight in my arms and see who's features he has and who he looks like more. I just want him here so bad I could cry but I will be patient and wait for him to be ready. I just hope its sooner rather then much later I dont want to go over 42 weeks I really dont want to end up with any drugs in my system I am scared for that to happen so im just going to keep walking miles and using my oils and hope he gets good and ready here soon. I keep reading other blogs and seeing them post 37 weeks or 39 weeks then the next post is a birth story or he is here!! I just want my turn and im so so close come on Aiden we got this baby boy!!!!

38+3

So this is what the waiting game feels like. I have to admit its much worse then the two week wait ever was. To be so close to the thing you fought the past four years for is just an indescribable feeling. Any day now I will get to meet my son and its so much I almost cant handle it its hard to even think about. I have just been trying to keep myself as busy as possible I will admit I am running out of patience I just want to see him and hold him now. I had my 38 week appointment yesterday and it went well he is growing like he should and has a strong heartbeat. I was checked again and its about the same as last week 70% effaced and almost at a two. I am getting my membranes stripped on Monday at 39 weeks I just cant wait for him to get here that is the most im willing to intervene and if it doesn't work we will just keep waiting for him to decide its time. I am finally done with work and have been cleaning my butt off around home. Today I vaccumed all the cracks in the living room and then washed the carpets it felt good. It was a good time to be done with work too because it decided to blizzard for the first time this winter. I am so glad to not have to drive home in the mess I really wanted him to be here before the snow hit but thats okay I am grateful we bought a nice car for him to be safe in that is AWD. I am getting uncomfortable for the first time this whole pregnancy my hips kill me at night I dont know if its from the extra weight now or what but my hips and back just hurt I still feel good other then that. Today was the day I predicted he would get here but I was being generous to myself ha ha who knows though he could be here tonight for all I know or it could be a few more weeks please lets not go with that thought though. I am up about 21 pounds so far its slowed way down too I think I will only gain another pound or two at the most I have been really lucky its all baby I have had no swelling at all you cant tell im pregnant anywhere else my face or ankles. It all in the boobs and belly so hopefully afterwards it wont be too hard to get back to the old me. Well I guess im going to take a bath and see if that helps my sore spots lets send baby vibes this way I just want him to get here healthy and safe.

Full term!

I cant believe I am even typing that. I never ever thought we would make it to this point and its still really hard to believe and wrap my mind around it. I remember taking my first pregnancy test after the second IVF cycle I think it was only 6dp3dt and it was a negative I thought its really early but please dont let this be another negative I tried not to worry and knew it was my fault for starting to test so early. I said I was going to wait then of course the next day I woke up and tested. My husband was mad he didnt want to watch me torture myself again. I took that test and it looked like another negative. You know after taking hundreds of tests we save the and always come back later to look at them like a crazy person to see if just maybe we didn't see something. Well thats when I saw it the faintest shadow I have ever seen I had to turn it all sorts of ways to see this shadow but that was the first time I have ever in my life even seen such a thing show up every other time I couldn't make up a shadow if I wanted too. When my husband got home I asked him what he thought and he said he could see it too and that was the first time in my life I let myself think just maybe could this have worked this time I got excited I would open the closet door and look at the tiny baby outfit we had bought after the transfer and just stare at it. I would then tell myself no way its probably just an evap and im going to be heartbroken. The next day I took another one I just had a pack of those cheap internet ones and sure enough a darker little shadow popped up again. I thought no way so of course I did what any crazy obsessed person would do and went out and bought some first response I held my pee all day long and took it. Wow first ever real positive showed up I didnt even know what to think or what to do I never thought we would make it to that point ever. My husband was happy but right after that all the scary thoughts came rushing in I couldnt even fully enjoy it at first I was so scared was it eptopic was I going to end up losing this baby just so much stuff I had never even thought about before went through my mind. It honestly took me a really long time to believe this baby was going to be here to stay and even now being full term I still sometimes think the worst. I dont know if its normal or just after everything we have gone through but the closer we are to meeting this baby I just keep hoping and praying everything goes good and I get to take him home healthy and happy. I am so grateful to have made it this far I was so scared to have a pre term baby I dont know why but sometimes it happens to people for no reason at all and I was just so scared so to have come this far means so much to me. He is an active little boy and I just cant wait to meet him its hard to wait now because I know he would be okay on the outside and I just want him here safe in my arms at this point. Last week at my midwife check up I was 50% thinned out and dilated to a one. I was happy that my body seemed like it was trying to at least do something already I know it could mean nothing but it felt better to hear that then your not dilated or thinned at all. Today is my 37 week check up and I am excited to see if anymore changes are happening I just want to meet him and finally experience being a family of three that we always dreamed of. My guess is the 13th I dont know why but I feel like that is the day everyone at work has taken guesses we will see who ends up right!!