2013 In Photos

The aftermath of IVF

So I could use a little help here. How do you keep trying again and again?? I mean I know if I want a baby I have to keep doing this but how many times is it going to take? How do you stay strong enough when you know whats coming after every new cycle. All the shots and crazy pills and the emotions the strain it takes on you just all the way. I don't know how I'm going to keep trying but I will. So back to the aftermath of IVF. I'm technically okay I had a feeling from the start this wouldn't end like we wanted so I was a little prepared you could say. I was not prepared to feel like I was going through a miscarriage nobody said anything about it to me then again I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this I have never wanted a real mom more in my life then I do right now. So other then myself I have my husband to talk to and well he is a man and is just no help in the way that I need it. Love him to death still tho! I was actually so much sadder not about the fact that the IVF failed but that we made three little embryos and those little future babies died. Now that is something I didn't expect to feel like I lost something but we did they were there and we did lose them. I really just want someone to tell me how to get these giant knots out of my hip/butt from the progesterone shots. How do I make it go away it hurts so bad and its been what a week since I stopped taking the shots I don't know what to do but I just hope someone else has dealt with this and can tell me how to get it to go away/ is it normal lol Anyone??

Merry Little Christmas

Christmas this year was great. Not as good as it could have been but we did try to make the best of things. We both woke up so early around 4 am. I have no idea what we will do when we have kids I'm sure we will be waking them up though just too much excitement. Of course we had to start with the zoo. We gave our dogs stockings and a wrapped present they were so excited it was pretty funny we got some good pictures.

Cant forget the cats even if you tried they make themselves very known!
After we got all our presents opened we made a really yummy breakfast and even had a few breakfast beers because why not right! I got some pretty great gifts this year. My husband got me a really nice new camera that takes amazing pictures I'm really excited about it. I got a beautiful necklace that is black and white diamond angel wing. Then I got some cute boots and a new winter jacket. My in laws ended up getting me a new hard drive backup and storage which went awesome with my new camera. We headed over to my moms house and brought over all the presents for the kids. My niece is getting so big now it was really fun this year.

We had an amazing Christmas we are very lucky and grateful for what we have. I truly hope by next year we will have our baby that will be about as good as it could get for us we just cant wait for our turn hope everyone had a great Holiday get ready for a New Year!!!

What do we do now?

So that should sum it up enough but I will just say it. It didn't work... How? why? we just don't know we thought we made it past the problem sperm didn't make it to the eggs so we made it do it and we got embryo's but they didn't work how sad is that. Its crazy you can just have so much hope one minute and then its all gone the next along with all your money and time and sanity. I'm just glad we are still young we have time on our side and sadly that's just about as good as having money on it. We can and will try again I don't really believe in a god but I do believe in energy I know something is out there and I hope it listens to us next time around. So to a new year and hopefully a successful one. I cant wait to get that hope back again we are going to try with taxes so at least we get another shot I know not everyone is lucky enough to get to even try IVF. So for now we are going to try to enjoy the holidays and come up with some new plans for the new year. I hope everyone is having a good Christmas eve eve lol. I'm pretty damn excited for my new camera pictures and lots of them to come!

Torture!

So I got my results back please anyone if you read this and this happened to you tell me what happened. I don't understand what is happening and this just is making it so much worse. I just wanted a yes or a no so I could move on you know I didn't expect them to call me and say this. They go well we did the blood test and that came back negative but we did two other pregnancy tests on your blood serum and those are both showing positive so we need you to keep taking your shots and come back on Friday for another blood test. What the hell is that what does that even mean?!?!?  I mean now I just have no idea what is going on and I'm scared could it be an ectopic doing this I don't want to ruin myself with IVF when nothing is wrong with me and were just trying to have a baby good god you poor girls that have gone through all this over and over again your amazing the strength and courage it takes to make it through this is just crazy I'm amazed by all of you.

Beta day

So I just got back from having it done. I already know what the answer will be I took tests the past couple days and they are extremely negative not a little tiny shadow just nothing as white as they get. It just makes no sense to me why it wouldn't work. We are both so young and I am in my prime right now to be having kids. We are only dealing with male factor here so didn't we bypass the problem. The problem was the sperm was not getting to the eggs well we made it get there it was there they were being made and diving like they should so why didn't it work!!!!! It just about makes you crazy I don't know how people keep putting themselves through this over and over. It took all the money we had we don't get to try again for a long long time. I just want to move on and look forward to next year when we can have that hope back.

10dp2dt

Well I really wish I had something good to say. I don't though tested today because you know I like to break my own heart every morning when I have to pee. Its a negative I'm almost 100% positive at this point it didn't work. How could it not work?! I don't understand I mean I'm not naive I went into this knowing this was probably the outcome and thinking positive has nothing to do with this. I can guarantee you that just because you thought positive the whole time that is the reason it worked I just don't believe that at all. If its going to work its just going to work and that is that there is nothing special anyone did or any magical thinking its just the way of life. Now I still have not started but I should any day now and all that effort all that hope and money and everything it takes to do this will be gone just like that. I don't know how some women do it. How do you do it? Over and over and over again. My blood test is not until Thursday but i highly doubt I will even need to go the only thing I'm looking forward to now is stopping those damn shots and being able to have sex and work out again ha ha. That is about the only good thing about it but were young so there is still hope its just going to be gone for a while until we can try again I'm thankful we have time but it really makes no difference in all this either way we put two babies back in me and I believe they both didn't make it which in honesty is the same thing as having a miscarriage. Just in a different way because they were alive they were there and we have pictures of them most people I know personally that had miscarriages didn't even get to see it. which im sure makes no difference but I seen mine they were there. I don't know what happened but at least we can try again sometime soon I hope now I'm just going to try and enjoy the holidays without anymore needles and doctor appointments.

6dp2dt

Yep this is hard it is really really hard to not drive yourself crazy lol. I am an idiot and started taking tests already. I am getting faint lines but I am sure it is still the trigger shot leaving my system because the test today was no darker then yesterdays just about the same so it has to be leaving my system still. I will probably just keep torturing myself because I think we all just do that and I don't know why ha ha. Hopefully here in a couple days I can just get a real positive for once in my life. I just wish time would hurry up a little faster it would make this easier. Anyways here is a picture of the embryo's they were only two days old exactly one was splitting from a two cell and the other was almost a four cell you can see a little bit of fragmentation but they said it was not enough to even worry about. They gave the two cell a grade BC because it was a little slower but really who knows I have read so many different stories that I don't think it really matters about any of that stuff. If its going to work its going to work and if not then that's how it is so I'm not going to even think about any of that and just see what happens hoping for the best!
Sorry its really bad quality coming from the microscope to one cell phone then taken off another but a brand new camera is waiting under the Christmas tree for me!!!

Get ready for a long one

It has been too long I really wanted to try and document this all better but right now I'm waiting for my Internet to come in the mail so I can only post at work and I have been off work for six days for all of this. So I will start with the Egg retrieval it went really really good! I was pretty scared I was going to ovulate before we could get the eggs. I was scheduled to ovulate at 10:15 and it was like 10:05 already by the time the doctor came in to do a quick ultrasound and there they were!! After that it all went pretty fast I was pretty much rushed down the hall to the surgery room and they shooed my husband off to do his oh so awful part JK I told him he better not complain once and that I would much rather go in the bathroom and feel good then where I went to LOL. So once I got in their it was pretty crazy and intense. I have never done anything like this the most surgical procedure I have ever gotten was getting my wisdom teeth out and I just did that like four months ago waited until I was 23 because I'm a big baby and scared of doctors and dentists ha ha. So we get in their and I get all hooked up and strapped in spread eagle style. The anesthesiologist tells me its a conscious sedation. What!!?? I do not want to be awake at all he then reassured me I would not remember or feel anything so they get the IV in and I'm laying there like well I sure hope I am going to sleep more then this I tell them. He starts to laugh and says the good stuff has not been put in yet thank goodness! All I know next is I was waking up in the recovery room with my husband standing there. We got all three eggs. The next day was horrible waiting for the call. We had no clue if his sperm would even fertilize an egg. So when the phone started ringing at 8:30 am the next day I was scared shitless to answer it. Of course I did answer it and OMG we have two embryos that worked right!! I could not believe it I honestly didn't know if we would ever ever make it this far. I was so grateful to even make it past the egg retrieval because I know well by other stories a lot of women don't even make it that far and its just so sad. So now we wait again for the next day transfer was at 10:45 am Friday the 6th. We didn't hear anymore so I figured no news was good news in this case. We showed up and go to see our babies!!!! Incredible indescribable to finally see what you have been trying so hard to get done. Science is amazing that is all I can say. So according to them they like to see 4 cells by day two we transferred two embryos. One was a 4 cell grade AB which they seemed to be really happy with and then another 2 cell grade BC which I was worried about but they told me it was normal and diving still and can still be viable. Now we wait I have been pretty calm and relaxed. Stayed home for three days after on bed rest and now I'm back at work. It was really boring I really feel for all the people that cant get out of bed. So as of right now I feel good nothing different besides my butt is really bruised from the lovely progesterone shots. They aren't so bad really though as long as I have my heating pad I'm good its looks are a different story looks like someone beat my poor butt up ha ha but I will take it if it gets me a baby. Were so hopeful either way we have never made it this far before and I'm so grateful we got to make it to transfer I know not everyone even gets this far. Send out some good vibes I do have pics to post but it will have to come later I should probably get to work!!!!!

Egg retrieval Tomorrow!

Well I took my trigger last night at 10:15 pm I'm scheduled for surgery tomorrow at 10:15 am! I'm really not feeling very good today I have been pretty sick from the doxycyline throwing up and I just feel horrible but at least it just started instead of being sick the whole time I can handle it. I am so scared and nervous though its just all so uncertain and that is a scary thought but were still staying positive and hoping for the best. I will update  tomorrow with pictures and how it all went. Please keep us in your prayers or anything helps!

Egg Retrieval !

Just got back I am sooooo excited and nervous and I just don't know actually but this is all very real and happening so fast I cant even believe it. I so so hope this is it for us ughh its just a whole process that takes so much out of you both but you know what its worth it. I have read so many blogs and websites of couples going through this and some are so amazing and hopeful but not all can be that way and it breaks my heart reading it happening to people out there its just so hard. Were all set for Egg retrieval this Wednesday at 10:15 am so please keep us in your prayers or whatever it is send good vibes out there for us. I take my ovidrel tonight at 10:15 pm lets get this show on the road!!!!!!! Any helpful advice or things like that would be greatly appreciated!

Thanksgiving and injections!!!!

Thanksgiving is seriously one of my favorite holidays. Mostly because I'm obsessed with a good turkey dinner I talk about it all year long and drive everyone crazy for a year lol. It was really really yummy I'm sad to have to wait for another year for it to come again. We started out by going to my Moms house. It was really nice My two sisters were over and my two nieces and nephew came. We had a lot of fun talking and eating together. After that we went home for a while to sleep off some turkey which I think is really a great sleeping pill choice it works every year for me at least. We decided to get up and stop being lazy around five and went to my husbands Moms house for some leftovers to take home. I think starting next year I'm just going to start having thanksgiving at my house and who ever wants to come can come ha ha then its not so hard trying to make everyone happy by getting to their house for thanksgiving. It can be stressful sometimes so this will make it easy for us at least lol! I am really hoping that by next year we will have our little baby with us finally! For an update on the cycle its still going really well. I am on day 13 today and  we have an appointment at 11:15 to see when I should trigger. Right now I have four follicles we were thinking we would get somewhere between 3-6 so I think four is a good number. With the ivf mini you are only supposed to get a few eggs but they should all be fully mature and much better quality ones then regular ivf so I'm hoping this is true for us. Since the problem is not with me and with my husband they are saying our chances are really really high of this working out for us so were feeling hopeful but I'm still going to be cautiously excited. I have still been eating all organic and trying to get a lot of Raw in there also. Its been fun with new recipes I am going to upload my pictures and post some yummy recipes and juice ones for fertility and health on a new post! I hope everyone had a great holiday filled with family and friends!!! Well better run to my appointment will be back posing with a egg retrieval date I hope!!!!!

The Holidays!!!!

There really is something about this time of year! I just love it you can feel the excitement in the air its amazing. I love seeing the early celebrators they just have so much life in them and you can feel it in their energy. I wish I had all the great holiday tradition memories and all the family stories to go with that but I just don't. I don't really remember anything like that from my past I think a lot of the negative that happened took away a lot of the some good memories that there actually were. That's okay though no complaining happening over here I just will have to be better at making my own traditions and hopefully we can start next year if all goes as planned with my cycle! I found a really cute idea that I love for a tradition with my future kids. Every year on Christmas eve we did get to open one present but it was not really special or anything its just something that happened. So for my kids I want to still open the one Christmas present but I want it to be a little box with some new pajamas, a new movie, and some treats and hot chocolate. I think its such a good idea I really liked it. For an UPDATE on the cycle its still going really good and actually moving along really fast. I thought it was going to drag but with the holidays and everything going on I'm already on day 8!! I have been taking clomid days 3-7 just took my last pill yesterday then also taking femara days 3-9 so I have two more nights of that. We go for ultrasound this Friday and we will get a better idea of what is going to happen next. I'm still feeling really positive I just really truly hope we get a break finally but we will see I know no matter what happens we will get our family eventually I'm just you know running out of patience I didn't have to start with lol! This whole process is just so much more then you can even understand of course unless you have been there :) I start taking my antibiotic and the indomethicin tomorrow to prepare for the egg retrieval and also to keep me from ovulating don't want that happening! Then on Friday we will be given an injection class more for my husband because I have been injection him for almost six months I'm pretty damn good now I just might do my own depending on how good he does haha. So here is to the Holidays and being shot up with the magic medicines I hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving pictures to come soon!!

To Oregon and eating healthy!

So we decided last weekend to take a spontaneous last mini vacation to Oregon before the madness ensued. Its was really a lot of fun even though we didn't have that long out there. It was much needed we even took half of our zoo along for the ride which was pretty interesting! I have to say I love Portland its absolutely beautiful even with all the rain. It makes it look like an enchanted forest everywhere you go with all the moss on everything I loved it! We visited this awesome little place to stop and eat I highly recommend the TIN SHED. They were so nice and even better we got to bring our dogs inside with us they even have a dog menu! How cool is that also their are over 40 dog parks in just Portland its a very dog friendly place to live.
We stayed on the lovely island of Hayden. So pretty I tell you it was just so fun to even get outside and just walk along the Columbia river. We even had time to make it to a few tourists spots to see such as the First Presbyterianism church, the Japanese gardens, and the Oregon zoo.

It was so needed couldn't have turned out better! On the way home we were lucky enough to spot the Columbia river gorge waterfall. WOW it was so pretty and really really big I am really glad we stopped to see it if you ever have time to hop on that scenic old highway DO IT!!! Its worth all the waterfalls and pretty views along the way back to the freeway.

UPDATE ON CYCLE: Everything is going so much better then I thought. When we did our IUI's I only took Clomid and it really did a number on me. I had such bad side effects and was a complete mess on it. So imagine my surprise when this round of IVF I'm on all kinds of stuff on top of the clomid and you know what I'm doing just fine. Poor Jake only had to deal with one break down at this point. AWESOME lol! Today is officially day 6! I go back this Friday on the 10th for a follow up ultrasound and start my injections cant even wait! for now I leave you with my new pharmacy and my all new healthy eating habits which started this weekend and is on full force!

Background

So I thought maybe I should put a little more background on this amazing journey :) I have been married to my husband Jake for almost three years now but together for close to eight. We have been through so much in such a short period of time. I lost my dad when I was 17 and me and Jake had just gotten together. He was so amazing through it all he really is such a great guy. Not soon after I lost my brother in law that left behind my older sister and her two kids with one on the way. Then again lost my grandmother not too long after that. Its been a long crazy road. To watch my husband deal with me going through all those losses and then stepping up to be there for my sister to take out her trash and watch him fix my mom and sisters cars it was just amazing. He is so selfless and I feel really lucky to have a man like that. If you could see him with my Pitbull which has been our baby for now, you can see he is going to be the best daddy in the world. Well not too long after we were together maybe a couple years we decided to start trying and try we did! We went for about 7-8 months before I started to get worried. I thought that I just knew it was something wrong with me and it was all my fault. We gave up for a while because really we were too young back then anyways and not in the best place. That adds to my gratefulness of this journey also. I have wanted a baby for so long now that its not that it doesn't not hurt but I have come to terms with what is going on and its okay because I now see the bigger picture and there is one and it is beautiful. After maybe another year goes by we finally go get things checked out. I pass with flying colors. My husband ended up having a very low count of everything and it broke my heart to see his pain. I hated that I couldn't do anything I couldn't fix this it was beyond both of us. Now two things  can happen after you hear this you can let it eat you away and tare what was once a great couple apart or it can make you see everything in a way you never would have seen before. It can make you so much closer to the people you love. It can do many great things if you deal with it in the right way. Now everyone is different and has different things going on I'm talking about my life and what happened with it so keep that in mind lol :) Anyways so here we are five years later Two IUI's under our belt and going full force with our first IVF. I'm positive and I'm feeling really good about it either way if it works AMAZING if it doesn't, well we will have a baby one day no matter how it gets here by us or adoption whatever life has is store were ready and waiting!

Baseline Ultrasound

Well it was not as bad as I thought it would be so that is good haha! I was afraid it would be a mess and it ended up fine. Everything is looking good and were ready to do this! I am excited I feel really good about it but I am going to be smart at the same time. I know crazy things happen and they happen often but its not in my control really so why worry about it and cause negative energy. My husband came with me he is really great about being there for everything every time. He makes me laugh the whole time so it helps. Start taking clomid and femura tomorrow we will see how much these crazy pills make me crazy. :) Waiting for the rest of my pharmacy to arrive hopefully by tomorrow then I will have to post pictures of the madness!

ITS ON!

Well I didnt have to wait too long just about sixty seconds after that post I started the cycle I have been waiting so long for. LOL it was actually kind of funny and ironic. Well people here we go ITS ON!!!!!!!!

Any Day...

Any day now I am waiting and waiting. Its no fun really playing the waiting game. We wait our whole lives to grow up, go to college, get married, have a family. Now I have done all of those things but I'm waiting for the best that has yet to come. To start my family, now it doesn't go without a whole lot of trying. I married an amazing man that I love to death. He has a huge heart and I have been waiting a really long time to see him use some of that love on a baby of ours. We have been "Trying to conceive" for about four years now. Its hard, its horrible its all those things you hear about it and more. Call me crazy but I'm so grateful. Not that I would wish this upon anyone its full of challenges but I'm so grateful because now I see what I'm missing out on. I want this in a whole new way that I never ever would have been able to understand if I didn't have to go through these challenges and for that I truly am grateful. So let the waiting continue because Any day now I'm going to start a cycle that is full of hope and I just cant wait for it to get here IVF baby bring it on!!!

This beautiful Life of mine

First post.. Its like writing my very own book on my life. Something I have always wanted to do and yet never sat down and got it done. Well here I am finally and the best part is that right now Life is beautiful and I am loving everything about it! It most definitely was not always this way but for the most part I'm grateful. The struggles have made this life even more beautiful then it could have ever been without those. Now were starting a new journey of love, life, and laughter and I'm just so excited. Lets see what the future has in store.